Shodai’s Blog September 5 2009 5:00 PM Playas de Tijuana, Baja California, México

Shodai’s Blog September 5 2009 5:00 PM Playas de Tijuana, Baja California, México

Shiken haramitsu daikomyo!

Good evening children. I am here at my desk in the conference room/living room. I have a picture of Julia when she was very little, waking up, and I found some recent wallet sized photos of Alex. I also have a large picture of Alex across the room on one of my bookcases and a collage of you guys Cari make for my birthday.

I am not sure how things are going on with the Court cases. I am a bit tired of all of that, if I am to be honest. You have no idea how many pages, thousands likely, that I have written in my attempt to improve the custody and visitation situation. Right now I am taking a breather from the front while I work on some other very important issues for the Ryu.

I have been studying very profound issues pertaining to the essence of our nature as a species, the human spirit. I have been studying books and movies to try to explain my ideas to my students. I have been studying Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings, and delving deep into the nature of the “Force” and the “Dark Side.” It is important for you two to realize that outside of the human species – with the possible exception of the chimpanzee who is genetically quite close to us – there is no such thing as evil. Dogs are neither evil nor good – except how people make them. Trains and objects and not evil – not even guns: “people with guns kill people.” This is very true. What I mean is that it is a mistake to thing of the “dark side” as something outside of our, of our own making. And the Dark Side begins and ends with selfishness, people who act for their own benefit without any consideration for others. They are so afraid to not have what they want, or to have what they do not want, that they do not consider others at all. These are the “darksiders,” for they use all at their disposal to achieve there goals without care or consideration for others.

Myths are about the ongoing war between good and evil. The battle is represented outside our selves, often in fantastic lands; but really the first and foremost front of that battle is within our own minds. I have had great opportunity to study these things and have reached great depths of understanding in terms of what constitutes happiness. In my experiences I have know great pain, and in my visions I have “felt” the pain of all things alive all at once, and the pain was such that it filled me so completely that “I” was no longer there – nothing existed but pain; and I had images of many, many peoples and animals, so many images flooding me all at once, and the last or I believe one of the last, but the one I remember the most was a simple grasshopper, clinging to a blade of grass, an image we might take for granted but it too was in great pain. It was then that I realized that the condition of all living beings was pain and that I had to learn to release, at least humans, from the pain they all feel.

This is very different from where I was in my spirit years ago, before your mother took you away from San Diego. I had a very difficult time experiencing the pain I had felt as a child. Something had “died” in me and I was unable to feel my own pain, although I was always sensitive to the pain of others. I tried everything, gathering pictures of me when I was a kid and remembering the most difficult times of my childhood, such as when those two much older boys – 14 and 16 years old – tossed me off the top of a 10 foot incinerator, when I was only 4. Although I remember the horror I felt, and even blacking out (losing consciousness) when they released me in the air, I could not feel anything for me, no sadness at all. It was if I did not matter. There are so many episodes in my life that I can recall, that if I saw them happen to someone else in a movie I would be horrified. But that is simply the way the mind protects itself. But I knew I needed to get past that barrier in order to “feel myself,” to feel the pain I had to have.

One day I thought of the solution. I was driving north on highway 5 in San Diego on my way to the 52 east onramp, when it occurred to me to imagine you Alex, as a little boy, and those things happening to you. That did it. The dam of my inner emotions burst and I had to pull over to the shoulder because I could no longer drive, and I cried for what seemed like forever. And I was so grateful to know that nothing like that could ever happen to my son. But I was wrong.

There is something very powerful that happens to you when you lose everything that is most valuable to you; you surpass all your fears, and all of your attachments – one day I will teach you how important this is – and then you become invincible. No one can defeat a man who has lost everything because one you lose that anything else you lose is easy to give up. I lost my health with my cancer; I faced the horror of you being hurt and not being able to protect you because the Court did not believe me when I told them that something bad would happen to you and/or your sister if your mother took you away; and then I lost all custody and contact with you: and all at the same time.

While I was in the hospital for my cancer treatment I developed the program Mind of the Enlightened Warrior. It was supposed to be a gift to my children, the only thing I could think of giving you guys should I die before I had a chance to be with you. I have delivered the seminars many times – in Spanish – and I am reworking it now. When it is done it will still be dedicated to my children.

Love you!

Shiken haramitsu daikomyo!